An Ex-Christian’s appeal to Bethany Beal (from Girl Defined)
Hi Bethany,
You don’t know me. I first learned about you when Cody Ko and Noel Miller made a “That’s Cringe” video about you. I laughed at you. And I felt ashamed. I believed in the same things as you. I said the same things as you. I wanted to be modest. I was saving myself for marriage. I went to church at least three times a week. I read my Bible every morning. At that moment, I didn’t understand why my body was delighted to make fun of you. I think I felt a mirror being held up to myself. I’m sorry I laughed at you. I was really laughing at me.
Lots has changed for me since then. I’m not a Christian anymore. Don’t let that scare you, I’m totally fine (really!). But I just watched a video where you and your husband, Dav, spend a day with Christian influencers, Paul and Morgan. I felt sad because of how they treated you. Did you feel the same?
Did you feel them weighing everything you said to make sure you fit into their vision of what a Christian should be? Did you feel tired? I want to know – are you as tired as I was? Do you keep getting promised rest, but then are faced with an impossible task: to be acceptable to the Christians around you?
I can tell you are good at making yourself acceptable in their eyes (they might say “acceptable in God’s eyes,” but please don’t forget it’s just theirs). I was too. I was a little girl who just wanted to be good. I had very real experiences with God at a young age, and all I wanted in my life was more of that. But then it became about following the rules. I couldn’t have a relationship with God unless I followed the steps (you know the ones). And because I was so young, I became what Christians thought little girls should be: submissive, meek, and kind. So I forsake every part of my identity (which hadn’t had much time to develop in the first place, so it was fairly easy to throw out), and took on the identity of Good Christian Girl. I felt bumps along the way. My community would let me know if I fell out of line, and I would repent and course correct so I could become a Good Christian Wife someday.
Well, I did become a Good Christian Wife. You did too. You have talked about how purity culture has impacted you. But I want to know – was it as terrifying for you to have sex with your husband on your wedding night? Even though you loved him and felt safe with him, and wanted to have sex with him? Did you feel confused like I did? Did you feel anger that they told you how to get to the wedding night but didn’t give you any instructions for what happens after?
Bethany, you have done everything you were supposed to do. And it’s not enough for them. It will never be enough. I want to tell you something. They are not happy with how your husband Dav is talking. It is a threat to their identity. And they will do everything they can to tear him down, because he is a threat to them. Mark my words: they will make you choose between Dav and them. They will tell you you have to pick between Dav and God. But it’s not about God at all. It’s about them. Please pick Dav. Please pick your children. You are really good at making yourself into what they want. Other people are not so lucky.
Do you like your life? Do you like your friends? Like, really like them? Look at the older people around your church. Do you want their life to be yours? (Do you sense that they are as tired as you are?)
I want to ask you: If you knew that there was no afterlife – no heaven, no hell – would you still choose to be a Christian?
What would happen if you let your worst fears come true?
What would happen if you read those books that they told you to stay away from?
I can’t tell you what will happen. But I can tell you that the fear will pass. And you will be okay. And maybe you will get to know the parts of yourself that the Christians around you have told you to hide. And maybe you’ll realize what you already knew – that those parts of you that don’t fit are beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.